her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
