I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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