Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
