he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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