I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just want to make out with him forever
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
