I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
