Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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