If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
