Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
