gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
