Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
did i just pee glitter
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
