Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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