I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
