Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
