My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
