He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
