my mouth tastes like poor choices
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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