My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
