He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
