I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
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somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
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We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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