He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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