I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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