I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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