He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
