you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
