WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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