My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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