I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My liver just broke up with me...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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