I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Is it because I queefed?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
