Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
