I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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