i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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