Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
