Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
