I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
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Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
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Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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