I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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