I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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