i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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