Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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