How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
