It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
