she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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