loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just got carded by a ten year old.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Success! We fucked roommates!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
