Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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