I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
