new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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