Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
