The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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