Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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