awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
