So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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