You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
