Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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