the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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