I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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